i have to keep reminding myself to slow down. to slow slow slow down. to not overanalyze minute details. to draw my attention away from the things that should matter less.

i had a little bit of a mental breakdown on monday. it was this feeling of pent up and enclosing anxiousness and fear of myself. my head was bubbling with self-deprecating thoughts that kept nagging and nagging at me. i was breaking myself down in small, stinging ounces. i knew that it was all in my head. it didn’t matter. i couldn’t stop myself from thinking of myself in this critical light of revulsion. i knew that it was agonizing me but for half the day i just couldn’t stop. i boxed myself in with my own thoughts. i was dipping back into old depressive habits when i was younger.

i called my mom.

and i clicked.

i distracted myself. i cleaned, made my bed, pounded out work, ate. i took a walk. and i took a bikeride to run errands that i had been putting off. just checking off boxes helped me feel better. i took some time to just sit in the sun for a little bit. i reached out to my friends for help. i felt better. i got some bright yellow flowers.

i’m more conscious of how my mind reacts to these bouts of anxiety. i can control them better. but in the moment, i feel entirely caged in my head. i just need to become better at seeing the bigger picture in these entrapping but minuscule moments.

i’m getting better.

thanks for hearing me.

just slow down, iz.

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oct 1, 2018

the broad & walt disney concert hall projections

went to the broad with john in the afternoon. there was a long ling for the infinity room x kusama exhibit. ended up going to the kusama “pod” that you could only stand and look into. the security guards timed you for 30 seconds. walked around to the disney concert hall projections. sat on a cleared parking lot structure. it was a little underwhelming. watching the shadows drift on the broad was conversely a lot more pretty.

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october 6-7, 2018

weekend in venice beach & photoshoot for veuve cliquot polo classic

drove out to venice to meet simbarashe and the rest of the team. got tacos on abbot kinney for dinner. prepped for our shoot the next day. didn’t sleep. was in the sun photographing at veuve cliquot polo from 9a-6p. my legs hurt by the end. celebrated with an ironic meal of pizza, ben & jerry’s and champagne. ate twice at great white. i learned a lot.

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october 20, 2018

row DTLA

went with maia to row DTLA this morning. it was quiet and serene. popped in and out of little shops. sat at a table and just listened to cars and the birds and the people putting away produce boxes from earlier in the morning. bought a little pin that says, “art every day.” it felt a little empty.

october is almost over.

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hello.

i’m in a new place. i’m 3000 miles away from home-home. i call this place “home” now. my friends seem to hate it. i’m just a jumble of homesickness. i’m settled. or settling. i’m creating but just not in the way i expected i would. it’s coming soon, though.

i’m meeting cool people. i’m friends with art people, film people, business people, econ people. i’m finding “me”s. or more interesting “me”s, which thrills me.

i want to make more!

i want to film more!

i want to take the metro more!

it’s only been four weeks.

i’m in a constant reminding-myself-mode that i am just getting started.

i miss home.

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