rewind

i’m having one of those nights where i’m backtracking my last 14 days of steps. where i thought i was making the right choices – mature and thoughtful ones – but really, i think i’ve just been overestimating how much i believed i’ve grown/matured/managed (myself).

what am i doing?

i feel like right now, hope is kind of blinding me. blind hope. that’d be a nice song name.

superficial is too strong of a word to append to the word “happiness” that i think i’m feeling right now. maybe it’s just impulsive and hazy joy. like that fog in LA tonight.

the past 6 weeks have kind of been a rewind.

moments are repeating themselves from a year ago and, initially, i had believed i had come out of the other end (now not then) as a different person. a more assured, thoughtful, stronger person.

a conversation with a friend has kind of re-revealed some underlying truths that i didn’t really want to acknowledge or reconsider. i’ve thought to myself for a while, “hey - the past is the past and situations and people can change and interactions can rekindle.”

to which another friend said, “we grow but never really change.”

i’m trying to have an objective opinion on a subjective situation but i’m really struggling.

i need to figure out what i’m doing.

thank you for reading the most vague yet unproductive late-night post yet.

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