want me back
i’m building this playlist as i’m writing and thinking and generally reflecting on the past 24 days since i’ve written last. listen to it if you want while you read.
i told my therapist today that even though i’ve been going through a lot of (sh*t) stuff, i’ve become more self-aware. i’m more cognizant of what i need and how i need to make myself feel better. i’m in new york city for 10 more days before i go ‘home’, and then i start school and hopefully everything’s back to normal again.
i explained to someone the other day why i’ve been anxious– from moving to LA, living by myself, doing things by myself for myself, having a full time job… he said, “isn’t that everything you wanted?”. and yes, it was everything i wanted and still want. it took me a second to figure out why things weren’t as great as i had expected them to be.
i was excited for change. big change. and yeah, i created the biggest change i could possibly contrive for myself. every single facet of life changed once i moved. for one, where i was; more importantly, who i was with (and who i wasn’t), what i spent most of my day doing, the expanded control i had over the minute choices in my day, new earthquakes, new injuries, new health concerns. problems.
the change was explosive. gut-wrenching. and, in a lot of ways, problematic. i assumed i was ready for these adjustments, seeing as they were, in fact, “everything i wanted”. but, the fact that i eventually begged for an escape back to new york proves that i wasn’t as prepared as i had originally thought myself to be.
i was not ok. now i’m ok. i have breathing room. i keep using that word in conversations. ‘breathe’. i can breathe. i’m turning 20 next month and 6 weeks ago moving out to la i thought i was 19 going on 27.
yeah, i feel back to being 19.
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“i don’t wanna go home
shall we drive from zone to zone?
i wouldn’t do this on my own”
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