burn out

hello world. it’s only been 5 months. i’m back, in a way.

i think after all of these months my brain is begging for a writing outlet. i use this space to vent and brain-vomit everything that i may feel and think in the hopes that someone out there might feel and think it too.

everything personal/creative has been on pause since school has started, and only half way through the semester i’m starting to burn out. bad. class for 8 hours a day, watching faces in small boxes made of pixels open and close their mouths with lagged dialogue. sometimes it seems like there are no breaks from the screen – we are fundamentally glued to our devices in an attempt to connect with each other like we used to. after almost 8 months of this all, i’m not sure if it’s still possible to communicate in this way with the same emotional and psychological attention as before. i know i can’t. i feel like i’m beginning to lose my short-attention span, and caring less about paying attention at all.

i told abby that this semester is the first one where i’ve turned in class assignments late with little intention or motivation to make it great. or even good. i’ve questioned to what extent i feel like i’m learning or gaining any experience in the things i want to learn. it feels like i’m just trying to get by day by day, doing only what is asked of me right now and moving on. starting tomorrow like i started today, just looking forward to that someday when life returns to some version of normalcy.

i’m struggling with some new mental health things. that’s been hard. it’s a new process that i’ve never had to deal with before, despite all that i’ve gone through in the past decade. i’ve realized that that process is ok. i’m not alone as much as sometimes my head tells me i am. i know that.

i needed the break

to just live

now i’m not living

so i need to write

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what life is like

hello from the void.

first off. i’m starting a newsletter! it’ll have more little niblets than i include in blog posts so if you want to sign up for that, fill this out:

here are some random images that best summarize the past week or so.

1) a dark hallway devoid of fellow roommates

2) lots of hammocking, reading, and intermittent napping. i don’t mind.

3) late-night ice cream excursions

4) bakery runs galore to support the local businesses. here’s a beet/scallion sesame bagel from belle’s

5) 11:30pm self tuck-ins, usually accompanied by an episode of veep (that i’ve now finally finished in its entirety)

i’m still slowly adjusting to this new sense of “normal”. at this point it’s hard to envision a world where we no longer wear masks and wash our hands while we sing the ABCs (or for me, the chorus of harry style’s “watermelon sugar”). i’m starting to ease into the social lull a bit more; it seems more comfortable now that summer is finally coming around. i just pretend that i can’t see my friends because they’ve gone for the summer (i mean, that’s true).

it’s been that sort of week where i have to remind myself to count my blessings. otherwise, i find myself spinning in an existential loop of drifting “what if?”s. what if ____ in the future? what if i don’t do ____ now? what if the world ____? it’s been hard to stray away from those lines of thought, and i know that i’m not the only one spiraling through them often.

one thing i’ve been turning to is music. unfortunately, i don’t have my trombone with me or a piano, but i have spent the middays listening to some of my playlists on repeat. here’s the one i’ve been recently adding to that epitomizes the sort of happy-solemn sentiment that i’ve had these past few months (!).

some weird ones in there too. like these weird times, huh?

enjoy at your leisure.

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making food is saving me

food means a lot to me. that’s not supposed to be an ironic or cliché sentence. food means a lot of different things to me.

this blog was once devoted entirely to food posts and recipes that i made up or adapted. in a time in middle and high school where i felt most alone, making food (and taking photos) was my way to sort of navigate new “spaces” of freedom and solitude. both cooking/baking and photography are equally as beneficial to me as social hobbies/arts as they are solo ones. a lot of the time, doing either on my own makes me feel not alone in some way that i can’t entirely explain as i’m writing this. i think it has to do with the fact that the end product of both is something i always want to share. photos. food. photos of food.

in quarantine, i’ve leaned back into my more creative side of cooking lately. i have the time and the patience – the “space” – to do so more comfortably now during this new context of reality. it feels good. i’m glad i have the drive to preserve my creative drive from film/photography/production/collaborative projects (which is on pause, unfortunately) to culinary/solo projects. i’m finding a lot of the same joy that i felt all those years ago when the solo-ness was less enforced but still self-imposed (i’ll get to that in a second). it’s a comfort that i’ve already cultivated for myself— it’s there, i just had to find it again.

again, back to the ‘food means a lot of different things to me’ topic. yes, food is all of these joyous things and solaces that i’ve mentioned. it also used to be an enemy for me. i honestly can’t remember if or when i’ve talked about food being a tangible fear/anxiety (i.e. eating disorder) for me (note: after a quick search, this is the only one i’ve found). being honest with myself here, it was during those same years of middle/high school that cooking was equally my consolation as it was my affliction. it was a dangerous creative game for me.

i’d like to say that i’m now at least 95% out of recovery from that past self. but, i’ve felt myself dipping into a similar mentality of cooking a lot again during quarantine. i’m stretching out the ends of the very positive and the very negative spectrum, again. does that make sense? echoing that consolation-and-affliction phenomenon: it’s the time and the overwhelming space to think that brings out both the best and the worst parts of my brain. i have caught myself slipping a bit — being overly conscious about food, labeling things ‘good’ and ‘bad’ subconsciously, feeling guilt, feeling defeated. feeling all those things amid all the good that i feel from it, too – productivity, creative flow, awesome tastes, pride, ease, peace. these past few weeks i’ve been in a little bit of a battle between these two orbits of thought. like the devil and angel on either shoulder.

i’ll be okay. writing this makes me feel accountable. i’ve never been super open about this stuff, but i feel like now is the time to share if people have ever or do feel similarly now. it’s something i’m still working on. i’m grateful to have support systems to help me through it.

okay, that was a tough one. thanks for hearing me out.

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among uncertainties, sweet potato bread

we are living in a weird time. it’s been surreal waking up every morning realizing that i no longer have such a freedom to walk classes every day. that i no longer can go down the block to watch a movie on a friend’s couch. that restaurants are closed. that people are sick. that others are putting their lives on the line to save the rest of us, to feed us, to deliver the things that we need. that i’m grateful to be able to have a mask whenever i leave the house. that soap and clorox wipes are precious. that i don’t have to change out of my pajamas but i should. that i could eat nutter butters all day but i shouldn’t. that as much as i don’t want to be inside all day, it is a privilege to be able to do so.

life has transformed itself into a daily game of how far of a distance i can keep from every person in my peripheral radius. the mini games include how many different ways i can subside an itch on my nose without touching my face or how much i can maximize the use of a latex glove.

my computer time has skyrocketed to 12 hours a day as of this week (how is that possible?). i feel like i’m constantly connected to its screen. it’s quite literally now how i access my education, how i talk with my friends and my parents and my brother, or connect with anyone, really. so how could i possibly dial back on it without feeling completely isolated? it’s something i’m still trying to work on. to balance at least.

this is what days have looked like lately:

8am – wake up

8:15am – coffee/matcha and kcrw

9am – breakfast

9:30am - 4pm ish – zooming (with lunch somewhere in-between)

4pm – dance-rsizing (“dancing” + “exercising”)

5pm – baking and/or cooking and/or snacking and/or dinner

7pm – fresh air

9pm – movie/tv while simultaneously looking up recipes to make for tomorrow

and repeat.

it’s been a manageable and sanity-evoking schedule. it’s good for now and that’s enough. baking has been my escape (this is my current list of things i want to make).

so among all these uncertainties, here’s sweet potato bread that i made a few weeks ago.

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sweet potato bread for uncertain times

makes 1 loaf

what you do

1. preheat oven to 350˚F. spray a 4x8” loaf tin with coconut oil and line with parchment paper along the sides.

2. whisk together white whole wheat flour, baking powder, baking soda, and spices in a large bowl

3. in another medium bowl, whisk together, mashed sweet potato, oil, milk, vinegar, and sugar

4. fold wet ingredients into dry until just combined.

5. pour (thick) batter into loaf tin and spread until it’s even

6. sprinkle with sesame seeds and turbinado sugar. place sliced persimmon along the top in any lovely fashion that you desire.

7. bake for 60-80 minutes until an inserted into the middle comes out clean.

8. leave to cool for 15 minutes before lifting out the loaf with the parchment paper. store in the refrigerator until ready to slice up.

9. serve with butter & cinnamon & sugar, warm.

what you need

• 2 medium sweet potatoes, steamed, skinned & mashed

• 1 + 2/3 cups (200g) all-purpose flour

• 1 + 1/2 tsp baking powder

• 1/2 tsp baking soda

• 1 tsp ground cinnamon

• 1 tbs fresh grated ginger

• 1/2 tsp ground nutmeg

• 1/4 tsp salt

• 1/3 cup coconut oil

• 1/2 cup cashew milk

• 1 tsp apple cider vinegar

• 1/2 + 1/3 cup brown/coconut sugar

• sesame seeds

• turbinado sugar

• sliced persimmon

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stay safe everyone.

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stay calm.

i’m home for now. all together with my family. i don’t know how to feel or process things other than just existing minute by minute and being thankful for being with my loved ones. trying not to overthink things. i think that’s healthy.

i had a little bit of a breakdown the other night - realizing that with everyone going home because of the coronavirus, it quite possibly might be the last time i see any of my friends for a while. working on projects, having little dinner parties, just being together and talking about somethings or nothings.

initially, the only thing i wanted to do was stay in los angeles. i thought we could all hunker down together and tough it out. have a 2-week long slumber party or something. i thought that was important.

it took me the last 2 days to realize that all i want to do is just be with my family. stuck at home doing puzzles or just reading with the dog.

that is important.

i want to be home.

i’m trying to come up with ways to not get stir crazy inside for long hours (as i know i’ve had troubles with in the past). i’m optimistic. here are some things i’ve come up with so far:

1. catching up on my movie watchlist

2. doing a couple 1000-piece puzzles

3. baking a cake with my mom

4. reading some of the books i’ve been gifted in the past couple of years

5. writing. anything.

6. playing games with the dog - she’s just depressingly laying in front of me right now

7. making homemade pasta with my brother

8. drinking wine. important!

to everyone out there, stay safe.

as my dad wrote last week (when things were seemingly a bit less stressful): “may we all be safe and make lemonade from the lemons of life, and take advantage of its silver linings.”

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izzy is a college student

izzy is 20 and a college student living in los angeles. this most recent school year hasn’t been easy for her. a lot is going on in the world and she’s having a hard time keeping up with the changes, by herself.

natural disasters amid global environmental degradation, pandemics and the political state of the country makes her uneasy. she listens to the news so she is informed but sometimes it is too much weight for her to bear.

her state of mind has been a shade of blue that may change its hue slightly depending on the day. 

she recalls the last time she was in a similar state of despair.

seven years ago she created a blog because she felt alone. It began as a space to fill her time but quickly turned into a collection of creative endeavors, an accumulation of her images and a place to write her stories. izzy rewinds to february 2, 2014, the first entry in her digital diary: “...but you know what i did about it? i laughed. i laughed because it was my first creation that kind of fell apart and that I was perfectly okay with it. It was all okay.”

as she goes through each post she is reminded of the highs and lows of her life and the words she has used to describe them. She relives celebratory birthdays, holiday feasts, accolades and accomplishments alongside her battles of anxiety/stress, health issues and caring too much what others think. she realizes that there are times when it’s tough to stay positive but life is about ebbs and flows. the steady constant is just creating. 

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a third-person bio was asked of me for an application recently. i thought the description was especially poignant right now. but really, how dumb is it to write about yourself in the third person?

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persistence

i think persistence is good.

you try over and over to get something right, to compromise, to change yourself to fit a circumstance or try to fix the circumstance itself to just feel better.

you try again and again and again and again. different ways, different situations, different strategies. it’s like an infinitely-shifting puzzle – once you find a piece that fits amid the thousands of pieces, the puzzle re-scrambles itself.

it’s admirable and it makes you stronger. it can also hurt.

sometimes things don’t shift as you expect them or need them to. as hard as you try to alter circumstances, maybe sometimes they’re not meant to change at all. but stay fixed and unfaltering, because that’s just the way they intrinsically are. they just are.

and i can’t keep trying.

i will not lose any more energy on a persistent and false/blinded sense of hope.

i’m ready to move on. no “i think’s” or “maybe’s”. there is no more time for that.

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love, izzy

rewind

i’m having one of those nights where i’m backtracking my last 14 days of steps. where i thought i was making the right choices – mature and thoughtful ones – but really, i think i’ve just been overestimating how much i believed i’ve grown/matured/managed (myself).

what am i doing?

i feel like right now, hope is kind of blinding me. blind hope. that’d be a nice song name.

superficial is too strong of a word to append to the word “happiness” that i think i’m feeling right now. maybe it’s just impulsive and hazy joy. like that fog in LA tonight.

the past 6 weeks have kind of been a rewind.

moments are repeating themselves from a year ago and, initially, i had believed i had come out of the other end (now not then) as a different person. a more assured, thoughtful, stronger person.

a conversation with a friend has kind of re-revealed some underlying truths that i didn’t really want to acknowledge or reconsider. i’ve thought to myself for a while, “hey - the past is the past and situations and people can change and interactions can rekindle.”

to which another friend said, “we grow but never really change.”

i’m trying to have an objective opinion on a subjective situation but i’m really struggling.

i need to figure out what i’m doing.

thank you for reading the most vague yet unproductive late-night post yet.

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