i think persistence is good.

you try over and over to get something right, to compromise, to change yourself to fit a circumstance or try to fix the circumstance itself to just feel better.

you try again and again and again and again. different ways, different situations, different strategies. it’s like an infinitely-shifting puzzle – once you find a piece that fits amid the thousands of pieces, the puzzle re-scrambles itself.

it’s admirable and it makes you stronger. it can also hurt.

sometimes things don’t shift as you expect them or need them to. as hard as you try to alter circumstances, maybe sometimes they’re not meant to change at all. but stay fixed and unfaltering, because that’s just the way they intrinsically are. they just are.

and i can’t keep trying.

i will not lose any more energy on a persistent and false/blinded sense of hope.

i’m ready to move on. no “i think’s” or “maybe’s”. there is no more time for that.

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love, izzy

i’m having one of those nights where i’m backtracking my last 14 days of steps. where i thought i was making the right choices – mature and thoughtful ones – but really, i think i’ve just been overestimating how much i believed i’ve grown/matured/managed (myself).

what am i doing?

i feel like right now, hope is kind of blinding me. blind hope. that’d be a nice song name.

superficial is too strong of a word to append to the word “happiness” that i think i’m feeling right now. maybe it’s just impulsive and hazy joy. like that fog in LA tonight.

the past 6 weeks have kind of been a rewind.

moments are repeating themselves from a year ago and, initially, i had believed i had come out of the other end (now not then) as a different person. a more assured, thoughtful, stronger person.

a conversation with a friend has kind of re-revealed some underlying truths that i didn’t really want to acknowledge or reconsider. i’ve thought to myself for a while, “hey - the past is the past and situations and people can change and interactions can rekindle.”

to which another friend said, “we grow but never really change.”

i’m trying to have an objective opinion on a subjective situation but i’m really struggling.

i need to figure out what i’m doing.

thank you for reading the most vague yet unproductive late-night post yet.

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do you see me? between the lines? in the reflection? in green. green is somehow my new favorite color after blue was for so long. my dad said something to me the other day about how my pictures in new york city this week have all called upon the space between things/objects/lines - the shape it creates, the colors it complements together or juxtaposes apart. like i’m seeing the city (and… bigger things?) in a new light maybe.

“it’s the negative space that is beautiful,” he said.

i’m in this weird ephemeral state of mind where listening to “kid A” while writing is making me reflect on things that people have said to me in the past few weeks. thoughts and feelings that have shifted me. i share a lot of what i say here. but what about other words that affect me? i wanted to culminate a list. maybe it’ll resonate.

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even out of context, there’s still meaning, i hope:

“just do.”

“acknowledging that [you’re still growing], and appreciating this moment in all of it — being able to re-read, but knowing you’re actively writing too. you always will be”.

“it’s sad. but eloquent. it is also very hopeful. bittersweet.”

“life is just a shipwreck of our plans.” “life is just a shipwreck of life.”

“what do you mean by re-contextualize?” “re-read. be able to dwell on old thoughts and draw new meaning and significance from them.”

“we can break into an aquarium and have it to ourselves”

“just take a deep breath. prioritize what is most important to you.”

“today’s a weird day for me. but i wanted to reach out to you and let you know how much i care about you. and whenever you’re feeling down, i’ll always be here.”

“the best thing for hangovers is grease.” “thanks, mom.”

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and you?

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