hi. i’m here now after three months of what seems like some of the most up-and-down anxiety-inducing-yet-ultimately-satisfactory period of my life so far. i took a break to kind of face that time on my own - i don’t think i would’ve had the courage or even mental capacity to write publicly about the cacophony that was this past semester (my third of eight in college).

the past couple of entries here have been downcast. i can’t not admit that my state of mind over the summer and for the few months leading up to now has been a dark blue. i saw reflections in my attitude and feelings of self-worth and -value that mimicked how i perceived myself in middle school - just hopeless and sick (note: i’ve never fully opened up about that time; this post i wrote in 9th grade gives the smallest glimpse of it). thinking back on those early years of teenagedom has only made me realize how much i needed to be stronger now.

i’m 20. i started writing here when i felt alone seven years ago.

can you believe that? how could i let myself fall back into the traps of my mind from when i was 13? why couldn’t i resist? what was wrong with feeling alone again?

just like the last few years of teenage-now-adultdom have ebbed and flowed in an effort to find myself, so too have the past few months. releasing myself from the firm grasp of summer depressions, learning to rely on my friends who i didn’t initially believe could help (and really truly do), focusing on what i love (because art is what matters) and not on what i don’t, calling my parents, calling abby (my best friend from home), appreciating the mornings listening to npr by myself, cooking for myself again — i had to learn to do these things before i could get out of where i was. this hole that i kept digging myself into every time i told myself i couldn’t get out.

i’m above that hole now. i’ve been able to enjoy small things again (e.g. something like a midnight drive on a tuesday) because i’ve disentangled myself from the dark blue that used to tower over me.

i’m home in new york as i write this. only now can i sit down and really think about the ebbs and flows of june and july and august and september and october and november. it’s over now (or it feels like it). i’m just sailing.

i’ll update more frequently here now. i promise.

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…home. i’m home again. finally. i’m in new york city, if it’s been that long that you need a reminder. it’s been 6 days here and only t-18 days until i’m back in los angeles. it’s been an interesting few weeks.

my health is… improving? i started therapy. i finished classes and had exams. went to study color at the getty one night. got $5 ramen the other. had a party with my filmmaking cohort on a roof in downtown la. made new friends. therapy. made s’mores with my roommates at the fire pit and we just talked. ate dim sum. spent the day on a trampoline with my preschool friend who i still love. saw another doctor. flew home. mother’s day. saw my best friend from high school and day-napped together. about to get my aura taken tonight with my family.

it’s been a great few weeks.

i miss my friends back in los angeles. i’ll see them soon.

i’ve been thinking a lot about how best i can spend my next 18 days at home. i’ve been slowly marking things off my checklist of random errands. fix pants? done. watch hanna? done. i have the space for unnecessary tasks. it’s been nice to finally relieve all the little things i’ve been wanting to get done for a couple of months.

i watch movies with my parents in the evening. talk with my -3hr difference friends past midnight. do my errands during the day. and i wake up around 10:30am. i like the balance and the need to not have to do anything. a least for a little bit. (watch me next write about my stir craziness).

here are a few bookmarks that i’ve been bookmarking because internet bookmarks are also relevant to my days:

1. jacob collier singing make me cry has been on repeat in the house recently. i saw him live in concert a month or two ago in los angeles and this song swayed me. now whenever i listen to it i just kind of entrance myself again.

2. i’m trying not to buy groceries and baking items that i can’t finish in 3 weeks (and that, honestly, no one else in my house will ever eat). so as i much as i want to make this date granola, i think i’ll wait to try it out until i move into my new place in LA.

3. i need to make my way to essex market. hopefully, it’s not like chelsea market? they have vegan artisan cheeses. sold.

4. i’ve been accumulating ways to mitigate my plastic use and waste. re: ‘minimalism’. i need a coffeemaker and i’ve been wanting to try to make my own nut milks instead of buying containers from the grocery store that use huge plastics. it’s cheap too. this solves that.

5. too bad i never want to go to jfk ever.

see you next week.

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a few weeks ago, i was diagnosed with this chronic disease called small intestinal bacterial overgrowth. people call it SIBO. this is what i felt like when i received the news.

i’ve been dealing with a lot the last four to five weeks. i know i haven’t really been present on here, and honestly, that space has been relieving. i think what is overwhelming me most is the abrupt and almost instantaneous changes that are happening in my life to cure what has seemed like almost six years of health problems.

what does that look like? bouncing between 2 different “diets” that have opposite restrictions (note: “diet” in this context = limiting certain foods to keep me from relapsing into SIBO, not trying to lose weight). seeing 4 doctors regularly— 5 after today. beginning my cycle of antibiotics for what i thought would be 3 months. explaining to people what i can’t eat and why i can’t eat it. having to prove to people that my health matters.

i think it is honest to say that i am frustrated. i’m slowly acknowledging these “setbacks” as progress— that this is what i need to push through, deal with, accept to get better. i am getting better. it gets easier to make this distinction as i see improvements in my health.

for me, the struggles that i am facing in recovery have had more of a mental impact than a physical one. i don’t want to restrict my food, but i am being asked to. i don’t want to check labels on the back of containers, but it is heavily recommended that i do so. in minor ways, i am being asked to return to disordered habits. i know that i cannot let that happen.

sibo recovery has been a test of my recovery from previous disorders. i dismiss disordered thoughts as soon as they enter my head space. i try to think less about why i am eating something even though i have to make sure i know what i am eating. i’m starting to practice mindful eating. i just have to slow down.

i have proven to myself that i am stronger than whatever i was going through many years ago.

and i am so incredibly proud of myself for that.

i’m getting better. i’ve been coping with the stress of my fluctuating health the best way i know how: cooking. i make breakfast in my dorm every day. you can find out what i get to eat every morning as i document my meals here.

i’m getting stronger.

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