food means a lot to me. that’s not supposed to be an ironic or cliché sentence. food means a lot of different things to me.

this blog was once devoted entirely to food posts and recipes that i made up or adapted. in a time in middle and high school where i felt most alone, making food (and taking photos) was my way to sort of navigate new “spaces” of freedom and solitude. both cooking/baking and photography are equally as beneficial to me as social hobbies/arts as they are solo ones. a lot of the time, doing either on my own makes me feel not alone in some way that i can’t entirely explain as i’m writing this. i think it has to do with the fact that the end product of both is something i always want to share. photos. food. photos of food.

in quarantine, i’ve leaned back into my more creative side of cooking lately. i have the time and the patience – the “space” – to do so more comfortably now during this new context of reality. it feels good. i’m glad i have the drive to preserve my creative drive from film/photography/production/collaborative projects (which is on pause, unfortunately) to culinary/solo projects. i’m finding a lot of the same joy that i felt all those years ago when the solo-ness was less enforced but still self-imposed (i’ll get to that in a second). it’s a comfort that i’ve already cultivated for myself— it’s there, i just had to find it again.

again, back to the ‘food means a lot of different things to me’ topic. yes, food is all of these joyous things and solaces that i’ve mentioned. it also used to be an enemy for me. i honestly can’t remember if or when i’ve talked about food being a tangible fear/anxiety (i.e. eating disorder) for me (note: after a quick search, this is the only one i’ve found). being honest with myself here, it was during those same years of middle/high school that cooking was equally my consolation as it was my affliction. it was a dangerous creative game for me.

i’d like to say that i’m now at least 95% out of recovery from that past self. but, i’ve felt myself dipping into a similar mentality of cooking a lot again during quarantine. i’m stretching out the ends of the very positive and the very negative spectrum, again. does that make sense? echoing that consolation-and-affliction phenomenon: it’s the time and the overwhelming space to think that brings out both the best and the worst parts of my brain. i have caught myself slipping a bit — being overly conscious about food, labeling things ‘good’ and ‘bad’ subconsciously, feeling guilt, feeling defeated. feeling all those things amid all the good that i feel from it, too – productivity, creative flow, awesome tastes, pride, ease, peace. these past few weeks i’ve been in a little bit of a battle between these two orbits of thought. like the devil and angel on either shoulder.

i’ll be okay. writing this makes me feel accountable. i’ve never been super open about this stuff, but i feel like now is the time to share if people have ever or do feel similarly now. it’s something i’m still working on. i’m grateful to have support systems to help me through it.

okay, that was a tough one. thanks for hearing me out.

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we are living in a weird time. it’s been surreal waking up every morning realizing that i no longer have such a freedom to walk classes every day. that i no longer can go down the block to watch a movie on a friend’s couch. that restaurants are closed. that people are sick. that others are putting their lives on the line to save the rest of us, to feed us, to deliver the things that we need. that i’m grateful to be able to have a mask whenever i leave the house. that soap and clorox wipes are precious. that i don’t have to change out of my pajamas but i should. that i could eat nutter butters all day but i shouldn’t. that as much as i don’t want to be inside all day, it is a privilege to be able to do so.

life has transformed itself into a daily game of how far of a distance i can keep from every person in my peripheral radius. the mini games include how many different ways i can subside an itch on my nose without touching my face or how much i can maximize the use of a latex glove.

my computer time has skyrocketed to 12 hours a day as of this week (how is that possible?). i feel like i’m constantly connected to its screen. it’s quite literally now how i access my education, how i talk with my friends and my parents and my brother, or connect with anyone, really. so how could i possibly dial back on it without feeling completely isolated? it’s something i’m still trying to work on. to balance at least.

this is what days have looked like lately:

8am – wake up

8:15am – coffee/matcha and kcrw

9am – breakfast

9:30am - 4pm ish – zooming (with lunch somewhere in-between)

4pm – dance-rsizing (“dancing” + “exercising”)

5pm – baking and/or cooking and/or snacking and/or dinner

7pm – fresh air

9pm – movie/tv while simultaneously looking up recipes to make for tomorrow

and repeat.

it’s been a manageable and sanity-evoking schedule. it’s good for now and that’s enough. baking has been my escape (this is my current list of things i want to make).

so among all these uncertainties, here’s sweet potato bread that i made a few weeks ago.

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sweet potato bread for uncertain times

makes 1 loaf

what you do

1. preheat oven to 350˚F. spray a 4x8” loaf tin with coconut oil and line with parchment paper along the sides.

2. whisk together white whole wheat flour, baking powder, baking soda, and spices in a large bowl

3. in another medium bowl, whisk together, mashed sweet potato, oil, milk, vinegar, and sugar

4. fold wet ingredients into dry until just combined.

5. pour (thick) batter into loaf tin and spread until it’s even

6. sprinkle with sesame seeds and turbinado sugar. place sliced persimmon along the top in any lovely fashion that you desire.

7. bake for 60-80 minutes until an inserted into the middle comes out clean.

8. leave to cool for 15 minutes before lifting out the loaf with the parchment paper. store in the refrigerator until ready to slice up.

9. serve with butter & cinnamon & sugar, warm.

what you need

• 2 medium sweet potatoes, steamed, skinned & mashed

• 1 + 2/3 cups (200g) all-purpose flour

• 1 + 1/2 tsp baking powder

• 1/2 tsp baking soda

• 1 tsp ground cinnamon

• 1 tbs fresh grated ginger

• 1/2 tsp ground nutmeg

• 1/4 tsp salt

• 1/3 cup coconut oil

• 1/2 cup cashew milk

• 1 tsp apple cider vinegar

• 1/2 + 1/3 cup brown/coconut sugar

• sesame seeds

• turbinado sugar

• sliced persimmon

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stay safe everyone.

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a few weeks ago, i was diagnosed with this chronic disease called small intestinal bacterial overgrowth. people call it SIBO. this is what i felt like when i received the news.

i’ve been dealing with a lot the last four to five weeks. i know i haven’t really been present on here, and honestly, that space has been relieving. i think what is overwhelming me most is the abrupt and almost instantaneous changes that are happening in my life to cure what has seemed like almost six years of health problems.

what does that look like? bouncing between 2 different “diets” that have opposite restrictions (note: “diet” in this context = limiting certain foods to keep me from relapsing into SIBO, not trying to lose weight). seeing 4 doctors regularly— 5 after today. beginning my cycle of antibiotics for what i thought would be 3 months. explaining to people what i can’t eat and why i can’t eat it. having to prove to people that my health matters.

i think it is honest to say that i am frustrated. i’m slowly acknowledging these “setbacks” as progress— that this is what i need to push through, deal with, accept to get better. i am getting better. it gets easier to make this distinction as i see improvements in my health.

for me, the struggles that i am facing in recovery have had more of a mental impact than a physical one. i don’t want to restrict my food, but i am being asked to. i don’t want to check labels on the back of containers, but it is heavily recommended that i do so. in minor ways, i am being asked to return to disordered habits. i know that i cannot let that happen.

sibo recovery has been a test of my recovery from previous disorders. i dismiss disordered thoughts as soon as they enter my head space. i try to think less about why i am eating something even though i have to make sure i know what i am eating. i’m starting to practice mindful eating. i just have to slow down.

i have proven to myself that i am stronger than whatever i was going through many years ago.

and i am so incredibly proud of myself for that.

i’m getting better. i’ve been coping with the stress of my fluctuating health the best way i know how: cooking. i make breakfast in my dorm every day. you can find out what i get to eat every morning as i document my meals here.

i’m getting stronger.

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