hello, la

hello.

i’m in a new place. i’m 3000 miles away from home-home. i call this place “home” now. my friends seem to hate it. i’m just a jumble of homesickness. i’m settled. or settling. i’m creating but just not in the way i expected i would. it’s coming soon, though.

i’m meeting cool people. i’m friends with art people, film people, business people, econ people. i’m finding “me”s. or more interesting “me”s, which thrills me.

i want to make more!

i want to film more!

i want to take the metro more!

it’s only been four weeks.

i’m in a constant reminding-myself-mode that i am just getting started.

i miss home.

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goodbye, hello

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i miss you.

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summer polaroids

i have three weeks until i leave for los angeles. back home i go. 

it's weird. i'm living these summer moments home candidly and with the intention and the knowledge that they will be my last in this sort of situation, as a high schooler living in new york. that's weird to me. i won't be seeing anyone from home until november. what????? i'm on my own. 

i thought i'd reflect on a few photos that don't exactly sum up my summer but thought were indicative of the sort of stuff i've been up to. they're not in no particular order because chaotic order is more style. or organized chaos, i guess.

i've been walking around and eating and dining and making and doing and cooking and baking and reading and relaxing and visiting museums and seeing people and eating ice cream and dying on the really hot days. 

i remind myself every few days that i must really savor these moments with the people i love here. this is not an ordinary moment. thank you to everyone who's made it special.

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i was grey

here's the thing about graduating at my school. you wear white. pure, crisp, blinding white. or, at least, that's what you're supposed to wear. commencement is a big deal for obvious reasons: it's a nod at our efforts to succeed at school for the past 13 years and it's a celebration of our last moments of being a teenager in high school. like a lot of other schools, we honor our graduation with diplomas, singing, and our families and close friends in front of us while we grin onstage. we are being championed for us. i am being championed for me. 

the symbolic purity of white dresses is something i've only found at my school, (though i know others do it as well in the city). i wasn't exactly white though.

on graduation day, i knew it was coming-- looks (greatly disapproving) and comments towards my dress. i acknowledged that i was pushing white. even though i had expected some pushback before i came to school, i was still so excited to feel beautiful on a day that celebrates me for me, because that's what commencement is all about, right?

someone had approached me before we walked on stage and told me that the color of my dress would ruin pictures. i kind of spiraled into a whirlpool of self-deprecating and self-conscious mind junk after that. 

i did not feel beautiful, i was insecure. i felt ashamed. i didn't smile wholeheartedly until i realized that people didn't have to look me up and down anymore. the biggest day of our entire upper school life and i showed up looking abnormal. 

but eventually i sucked it up. 

i am me for me. maybe my dress wasn't white, but it was me. "irrefutably you" is what one of my friends told me. 

and that was it.

i was grey. 

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i'm learning

image by haleyisokay

i'm learning.

two weeks ago there was a mass shooting in parkland, florida. i'm ashamed to have only just felt this intense urge to do something now, after so many other tragedies.

i'm inspired and empowered by the voices of my fellow teenagers. the survivors of parkland have transformed and gained hold of the national dialogue. in those two short weeks, they've already enacted change.

i'm learning to use my voice too.

i'm learning to become more educated on our country's current standing on gun control among about other issues that i am passionate about (of which, at times, it seems there are too many). 

i'm learning to call my state and local reps and communicate my own views.

i'm learning to break the boundary of doing, beyond planning, beyond hypotheticals. 

vote! organize. walk. scream. march. debate. and continue.

i'm learning to do all of these things. i'm finding the power to do all of these things. 

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on happiness

from an excerpt i wrote in my journal this morning:

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maybe i'm saying all of this because i'm on winter break.

well.

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biggest little city

i went to reno last weekend.

i saw my friends that i never get to see.

we recorded music.

i climbed a snowy hill.

i fell into the snow. purposefully. 

i was in arizona for a few hours.

i think i cried at some point. i probably won't see them again for a while.

love you guys.

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eighteen

it's hard to believe i'm an adult now.

i can sign my own papers, take a flight by myself, vote. 

i am my own person now. legally. 

that's such a strange thing, and another addition to the growing whirlwind of growing-up-stuff i'm driving into.

i am not ready to go quite yet – i still have a whole year ahead of me. 

i will make the most out of what i have. i will make the most out of what i am given. i will make the most out of who i am. i will make the most out of eighteen.

i am eighteen now.

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hello, seniors

dear seniors,

hello.

it's a weird feeling isn't it? being back? we're entering this new realm of teenagedom and it feels strange. it feels like we're almost adults – we are almost adults – but there still exists this surreal barrier that we have to break through to get there. 

i won't be surprised if we spend our days writing away our life stories in the next few months, trying to explain our identities in only a limited number of words and numbers. 

two days in, it's already stressful. i want the best for all of you, even if i don't say it to you all the time. we're all going to get there, to adulthood or whatever that means. this will be hard, i know. but we'll get there.

there's going to be a lot of stuff to look forward to.

i'm excited for it all, and to spend our last months together with you guys.

cheers to us,

izzy

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things i did in august

images by gothamist

1. eat at gloria restaurant, nyc

fish and seafood galore a.k.a. my kind of place. 

the restaurant is small and humble, and the windows let in this really nice light. 

it was no surprise that every dish was stellar. really recommend if you love non-meat things and dashi-butter mushrooms.

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images by melissa joulwan

2. make paleo oven-fried salmon cakes

with more time on my hands, i've been cracking down on trying new recipes.

these salmon cakes with almond flour and mashed sweet potato by melissa are actually so great. i stored them for a few days and re-fried them on a pan right out of the fridge. 

threw it on a salad, dressed it as a burger, ate one for a snack. 

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image by carnegie museum of art

3. visit hélio oitica + history of protest at the whitney, nyc

honestly, whenever i go to the whitney i'm always at least a bit disappointed. 

but, last week was definitely an exception to that. my friend hannah and i roamed every floor, carefully and thoughtfully looking at every piece (especially those of the "incomplete history of protest" exhibit). 

first time in a long time that i was just in awe of an entire collection. 

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4. see dunkirk in 70mm

god, this film was spectacular, which is no surprise because of nolan and zimmerman's unified genius. every shot was stunning, every track was incredible, the entire interweaving of shots and events was brilliant.

i have no complaints. see it in 70mm. 

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5. binge-watch avant garde vegan on youtube

i actually did binged these videos this morning. 

i'm not a vegan anymore, but i have loved gaz oakley's recipes nonetheless. the kitchen in this squash risotto video is goals. 

happy august, everyone.

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"i am right now"

System.out.println("Hello, World!"); 

as the school year is inching (very, very slowly) to a close, everything else seems to be picking up. i see why, but at the same time i'm getting incredibly overwhelmed by work and school and not being (in my mind, creatively) productive. 

the thing that's been on everyone's mind is college. college or school. school and college. school in preparation for college. college in preparation for beyond. beyond in preparation for... even further beyond? i'm getting overwhelmed by that too. 

it feels like every adult asks me, "where do you want to go?" expecting me to have a few universities or professions on my mind. i usually say, "i don't know," and they say, "okay" and stop the conversation. even though my seniority "status" will finally be attainable in just a few more weeks, it's difficult for me to look as far ahead as everyone expects me to. 

like, yeah, i'm going to be heading off to a college in just a few more than 365.3 days, but then again there's still 365.3 days until then. maybe ask me, "what next? what are you focusing on now?" while i'm still getting to that point. i mean, usually i have to ask to myself that anyways. 

because i really mean "i don't know" when i say "i don't know" because i don't... know. i'm almost eighteen now. people tell me that i have my goals straight and my life pretty much figured out, but i don't want it to be like that. 

i can say that i know who i want to be, but not where i'm going to be. right now, i'm right here, with a research paper, a critical analysis paper, 3 AP exams, and a literature exam on my hands. what's next is what's right now. i'm dealing with what's right now.

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getting to where i'm going

in my english class, we were given the task to create something inspired by walt whitman's "song of self", which described the individual's search for her own identity. our project was supposed to most authentically represent ourselves in a physical, verbal, or visual medium.

naturally, i chose photography.

here was my introduction to my project:

"it was hard for me to figure out what aspect of my identity i wanted to talk about when the medium in which i wanted to present my project is my identity. the next most logical thing i could about is how art has become a part of who i am. the answer is new york city."

enjoy

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it's hard to stay positive

image by bydvnlln

image by joel

image byfayznasir

my poster for the women's rights march

`````

i've never wanted more than

to fight back

to call back

to protest

to represent me, to represent others, to represent who we are

it's hard to stay positive in a time like this

it's hard for me to have hope

but this is the time when i stand stronger

and i am stronger every day

i will fight, i promise.

izzy

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first snow

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dear you,

we got our first christmas tree with jenny (our dog) today. 

it was snowing and foggy and eerie and empty and beautiful.

jenny, who was born in the cayman islands, is obsessed with the snow.

she's like us: beach-born, energetic, and overall kind of crazy. it was no doubt she'd love the snow as much as q and i do. 

we got a twelve-foot tree. it was so big the guys who owned the little tree farm had to use a tractor to drag it to our car. it smelled like christmas all the way home.

it smells like christmas in our house now.

i hope i got good pictures.

happy holidays.

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and, thank you

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yogurt panna cotta . pumpkin pie and ginger ice cream . roasted yams and delicata with yogurt and pomegranate . kale salad with persimmons and tahini dressing . roasted green beans and whole grain mustard . mashed potatoes . stuffing . turkey . gravy cranberry sauce with jalepeños . roasted cauliflower steaks with capers and olives and parsley . berry crisp .

i am thankful for life

i am thankful for opportunity

i am thankful for people and family and friends and love

i am eternally thankful for everything

enjoy your holidays 

be thankful for everything that you have

love,

izzy

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a month from then

the human condition is a installation of the works of various artists in an old, 40,000 square-foot hospital. i thought it was cool and weird and unique and gloomy and just beautiful; the pieces brilliantly match the geometric and sharp shapes of the hospital. i just wanted to share its awesomeness.

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as for me, i'm back. it's been 48 days since i wrote my last post. that's a pretty long time. i've been taking a little hiatus from social lately. it's been nice to just not stress about having to curate and post things on all of my platforms. i started junior year 29 days ago. i turned seventeen 19 days ago. i'm a year older since we last talked. 

i've been thinking about this sort of kinetic energy of stress. i think a lot of the time i feed off of other people's stress and they feed off of my stress and other people's stress, and it just becomes this sort of eternal and cyclical exchange of anxiety. i mean, i get it. we're getting older and we have more responsibilities and work and independence. we're almost done with high school. i realize that every once in a while and it just scares me. i love the idea of a new and limitless world. we're practically there.

i've been pretty good about it my monthly freak-outs, though it's taken me almost 3 years to figure it out. i keep reminding myself that i'm okay. that even though i have no control of time and other people and their decisions, i have complete power over what i do and how i perceive and change my community. there's been a lot of broadened thinking lately. i think i've matured a bit from it. 

good night.

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where art and cake collide

images by dunja opalko x wallpaper magazine

i haven't been baking much, even though it's summer time. very much unlike me, but i've been so busy with projects and fun stuff that i think it's okay.

the other day i stumbled upon danish designer kia utzon-frank and her london-based company kufstudios. naturally, there was kufcakes. each cake is in fact edible. kia prints marble texture onto fondant or marzipan before most meticulously folding it over cake. in turn, a beautiful stone effect is created, which freakin' insane. 

the cake itself is equally as stunning, with folds and layers of sponge cake thin enough to create a fine gradient.  "taste is as important as the look, and the cakes should be conversation starters and trigger our curiosity and interaction with each other," their website says. kia uses natural food coloring and fruit juices to dye the cakes. 

i think the thing that utzon-frank said that really spoke to me the most was this: "cake is just another material. if something catches my interest it doesn't matter what it's made of. i think there's a huge freedom in not knowing much about the material i'm throwing myself at, as i then don't know the 'rules' and therefore am more open to experiment."

food = experimentation = art

i wish i could do that.

enjoy your weekend,

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because it was great

i made a video a week ago about my grandparents' neighborhood. 

i went to jazz camp for a week.

i met really cool people.

i discovered new music. 

i took a break.

i spent time with my family.

i'm good. i'm home. let's go. 

i miss them.

happy monday

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i've been watching stuff

1/ on work – ryan o'connor

simple. eccentric. awesome. funny. i love it. i love helvetica. 

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2/ upstate – jorge cuevas jr

15 seconds of joy and beauty.

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3/ onward internet – sander van dijk

the internet is cool. right.

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4/ pulse - traceloops x shigeto

a favorite song + a favorite artist. the perfect video.

.

it seems like it's been forever since i last wrote here. it has, actually. i've been busy with my summer job and trying to be creative in other aspects of my life. i'm more confident now. i'm more confident in my life and actions as a creative. it almost feels like i know what i want to do and grow to be in the future. it's crazy. i'm turning 17 in 2 months and even though i always say i don't know what i want to be, i do know what i want to be. i am who i want to be. i think for me, that's really powerful.

good evening.

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what's going on

what's goin' on guys? i've come here to say that we have T-minus 2 days left until the end of the school year. do you know how good that feels? that feels pretty great. 

i've been taking some weird photos lately. like cool weird? alex says that they're cool weird. that means that they really are cool weird. that's good. i love flash now. to kinda celebrate these photographs, i made some weird collages.

1. got a new shirt from my dear friend that says "matriarchy now!" i love it. you can buy one (and look at all of her cool projects) here. 
2. i painted my nails like i always do when i choose to do them once in a millennium 
3. a cool water-chemical stain that i found today waiting for the bus
4. my kefir yogurt ice cream with rainbow sprinkles that i had for dinner last night
5. a brownie cake with very sad decorating by me (for my friend's chinese teacher)

and because it's been awhile, here are some links that i've found from the last 12 days.

1/ all of the pretty colors

2/ this awesome wallpaper (yes, real paper that goes on walls)

3/ buy all of the patches!!

4/ OK.

5/ what are you talking about?

happy hump day, everyone

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